I am sitting here, searching through all of my saved documents and writings, reading through my own thoughts. Yet, from everything I’ve written, I do not publish most of it. Some pieces simply aren’t finished- they are not ready, they aren’t good enough, they do not satisfy or move me.
And others, well, those others, it is I who is not ready to publish them. I dare not, not now, at least. What I feel when I read them, what they reveal – I currently experience too deeply and the subject is too delicate. Things that are felt so deeply should be kept for oneself, at least in the middle of it all. Otherwise a fragile heart is overexposed.
Later, when those emotions are no longer felt in the same way, or when they don’t have the power of scarring me, I will have the strength to publish them. They become another step in my journey.
However open I sometimes have proven myself to be, I am most myself when I am quiet, when I can keep my thoughts to myself or the paper or music sheets in front of me. Opinions and debates and intellect and thoughts and banter – sharing those are different because they cannot cut as deeply. But when I write, it’s a form of expression, a form of creativity and release. When I write, I often write my emotions and feelings, my deepest desires, my struggles and frustrations and triumphs – all that which reveals a part of who I am. And many of those things are for my eyes only, they are only for my heart to feel and understand.
Having published some personal thoughts in the last few months might prove otherwise, but in the core of my being, of everything I contemplate, I say a fraction of it aloud. It might be because I am afraid to admit to some truths, but mostly it is because some things, however I try to express them – through talking or writing or music – I have not yet fully mastered the art of expressing in a way that makes others understand exactly how I experience it in my heart. I may never fully master it. I would rather keep my creations to myself than have them be misinterpreted by others.
Though I firmly believe in self-expression, in practicing creativity and sharing, I am also convinced that the mystery and complexity of thoughts that happen behind a closed mouth are a part of what provoke and attract us to others. It is a factor that contributes to our aura, our presence, the way we hold ourselves, and the mystery of untold stories in our eyes.
It is chemistry between two people that releases some of the unseen, a connection that allows those thoughts to be understood without explanation.
Mystery isn’t playing it cool, being insincere, or hiding things. It is keeping something intensely personal for yourself. It isn’t a façade, but allows you to remain your truest self, respecting that some parts of yourself are truest when untouched by others.
Globe Spotter 